I keep telling myself id rather feel something even if its awful than to feel completely flat and numb and i dont really know if thats true. Ive been on meds for a while but stopped recently. Yes they "worked" i suppose like i didnt have the same insane mood swings and i didnt act impulsively nor sobbed so hard over things that dont matter but is it rlly worth the numbness? Ive always been the person to say that no its not worth it. I guess its hard to understand what i mean if youve never been on similar medication but its like your emotions are literally suppressed no matter how hard you try you cant show even a sliver of the emotion you showed before you went on them. Like theres this wall between you and everything. You see something that should make you cry or laugh or feel ANYTHING and theres just. Nothing. Or like a dull echo of what it shouldve been. People tell you good news and you know youre supposed to be happy but you cant access it. Bad things happen and you know you should be sad but its like trying to feel through layers of static Yet now i doubt because ive been feeling so overwhelmed recently and it makes me curse just the way the world is and our scientific advancement if that makes ANY sense. Why are the only options to living with a lot of mental illnesses suffering or not feeling at all? Like we can put people in space and create ai and split atoms but we cant figure out how to make someone stable without turning them into a fucking zombie? It feels so cruel. Youre either drowning or youre empty. Either everything is too much or nothings enough Since stopping the meds everythings been coming back in waves and its terrifying and exhausting but also i feel real again? But that realness comes with all the bad things too. The crying and the way small things feel like the end of the world. And i dont know which version of myself is worse to live as. The one who feels too much or the one who feels nothing Is there actually a middle ground or is that just something people say to make you feel better about having to choose between two kinds of hell Do you think society even takes mental illness seriously or are we all just expected to either medicate ourselves into functioning or suffer quietly? Like where do we even go from here when the "solutions" we have are this inadequate?